Feeling Fabulous: New Clothes

A new blouse from Ross: $8

The feeling of awesomeness and energy that comes from wearing a new article of clothing:

PRICELESS.

Seriously, I KNOW I am not the only one that feels downright fabulous and even, like, sparkly when I wear something new and pretty. Even a new bra or pair of shoes can do it for me. So I was able to waltz into work this morning with a ginormous to-do list and a fun new blouse and my make-up all done, and was able to feel like I was gonna have a kickin' day. And for the most part, I did. Lots of projects and irons in the fire, but I was able to get a good start on a lot of them. 

At one point today, I was able to make a pretty darned mature--but difficult--decision. The Cap'n pointed out to me today that we'll soon have a new reference librarian to train, and wanted to know if I wanted to do it. I struggled with this, because hells yeah, I want to. I enjoy it, and I feel like it's a way for me to develop leadership/mentoring chops. But the last time I trained librarians, the results were mixed, and anyway, I have to do the event brochure, and I'm going on vacation in three weeks. So, after a brief struggle, I pointed all of this out to her, and then decided, "Let Papa Bear train them," I told the Cap'n. "He's more laid-back than I am--it'll be better for them. And he's on the desk more than I am anyway."

Sometimes leadership means making the decisions that are best for the team as a whole, even if it's not what you yourself want.

If wearing new clothes helps me make things kinds of decisions, bring on the Ross Shopping Spree, thank you very much!

What I Meant Was...

Patron to SuperMom Librarian: "I'm looking for a book by Gail Tsukiyama. It's called A Hundred Flowers."

SuperMom Librarian, after a moment: "I'm having a hard time finding A Hundred Flowers...Are you sure that that's the title?"

Patron: "Yes!"

Me, unable to stop myself from jumping in: "I think you're looking for Street of a Thousand Blossoms."

So I Guess You Call This Autumn: 2013 Version

I cannot believe I am saying this. But this is one of the most gorgeous autumns that I've ever seen out here in the desert. Sure, it's still in the mid-to-high 90s during the day, but the evenings and mornings are downright pleasant. And the sunlight is different--gentler, perhaps, and at a different angle.

The best part about this all? The weather turned on the autumnal equinox. When does that ever happen?

It's a good reminder that things are always in flux. Always changing.

Last week at work, we had a big change. Friday was the last day for our Senior Librarian, who has taken a position as second-in-command of an 11-library-system up towards Northern-Central California. She's going to do so well, I know it--in her time at our Library, she was an agent of change, she knew when to push back. She was tough--tougher than I ever have been--but she was fair. She was a damned good librarian and manager, and while we occasionally had our personal differences (I am as soft as she is tough) I always, always  respected her, admired her, and valued the many things she did.

We worked together for just under five years. Almost 1800 days in which I took for granted the quiet routine of so many days surrounded by my colleagues and bosses, folks that I knew and trusted, and the various demanding duties and dotty patrons.

And now, tomorrow morning, it will be different.

Last year, when Boss-Lady left, I knew we would go through change. I hate change, let me just get that out there, because it provokes all sorts of uncertainty and anxiety. (At least it does for me. Because I am a crazyball.) But if you ride the change just right, it's a good thing--and so I adapted, and as a result, the last year has been simultaneously one of the most demanding yet fulfilling years for me, professionally. And with Senior Librarian's departure, perhaps I can transform and grow again.

But it won't make coming in tomorrow any less sad.

Six Years In...

Happy anniversary to me! Maybe.

For six years now, I've been working in public libraries, as an "L1" or a "Librarian 1." Basically, your run-of-the-mill, entry-level, non-management adult services librarian. Only, lately, as I made the wry observation to one of my colleagues, I'm either "a ridiculously over-performing L1 or else an absurdly under-performing Senior Librarian."  This remark came about after I assessed my current job description (doing everything on there), and then the Senior Librarian job description (doing 25-33% of the stuff on there.)

If you were to ask my supervisor (which I have), she'll tell you that I'm a great worker-bee, very capable, and extraordinarily productive. My former Boss Lady assures me that I long ago earned the respect of my colleagues and supervisors. I'm one of the first to arrive, one of the last to leave, and I take such pride in my job as a public servant. Most days, I see it as an honor. I may, from time to time, cock an eyebrow at the decisions the bureaucracy makes, but by and large, I respect them. I trust my bosses, and while I sometimes question their decisions, I force myself to adapt, because they're morally upright and they possess fine ethics. Usually, they end up being right in the decisions that they make.

 I'm kept busy, I'm challenged, and I'm content.

But.

I've stayed in touch with three of my comrades with whom I attended IU SLIS: Ezz, the Sooz, and Abby. The Sooz was the first to really go on to great things: within six months of getting hired as a reference librarian, she was promoted to a Collection Specialist position. She now writes book reviews for Booklist, sits on the WV Library Association Council, and has given presentations for ALA. Abby is the real revelation. She graduated after us, got a job right away, and then within a couple of years took a job as the supervisor of the Children's Department at a Library close to her hometown. Her story doesn't end there, though. She's become quite a prolific blogger, and was declared one of the ALA's "Emerging Leaders" of 2010. 

That leaves Ezz. She is the one that I have quietly envied--she got a job lined up pretty quickly after graduating, just north of Indianapolis. She married her high school sweetheart not long after. They bought a house in the suburbs, and like me she has managed to hold on to her reference librarian job throughout the tumult of the last few years. And like me, she stayed in her current position. Sure, both of us experienced a lot of change, and took on dozens of new tasks and roles and duties, but our job titles and our statuses (stati?) didn't change.

And last month, she was promoted to Digital Services Coordinator at her library. And OF COURSE I'm thrilled to bits for her; she is a geek of the highest order and will do a fabulous job. But to return to how this affects me (because this is MY blog, and therefore, it's all about me)...

Here I am. About to start Year 6 as a librarian, Year 5 in my current position. As an LI. A worker bee. A ditch digger. A foot-soldier in the trenches. I'll turn up around on Monday morning, and I'll look at my desk, appalled at the mess but resigned to it, because there's simply no time any more to clean it. I'll brew up a pot of coffee, sit down, and plan my day, and then my week, and all the while, I'll think, The best laid plans...And then my boss will come in, and I'll give her a perky good morning and I'll smile at her only-half-joking grumpy "Are you for reals?" look, and then I'll get to work. And by the end of the day, I'll be exhausted, but I'll be proud of the job I did. But at the back of my mind, I'll be thinking about Abby, and the Sooz, and Ezz, and I'll be wondering, "Am I underachieving? Am I just a failure? Is this all I'm good for?"

Our Children's Librarian, Cathy, is from time to time, a font of wisdom. She was the one who told me that "fine" stands for "fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional." Ha. She was also the one who advised me: "Don't judge your insides by other peoples' outsides." I know she's right. And I know that the success of my cohorts is not indicative of failure on my part. It's like comparing apples and armadillos. Realistically, one has nothing to do with the other. 

But still...is this all?