So I Guess You Call This Autumn: 2013 Version

I cannot believe I am saying this. But this is one of the most gorgeous autumns that I've ever seen out here in the desert. Sure, it's still in the mid-to-high 90s during the day, but the evenings and mornings are downright pleasant. And the sunlight is different--gentler, perhaps, and at a different angle.

The best part about this all? The weather turned on the autumnal equinox. When does that ever happen?

It's a good reminder that things are always in flux. Always changing.

Last week at work, we had a big change. Friday was the last day for our Senior Librarian, who has taken a position as second-in-command of an 11-library-system up towards Northern-Central California. She's going to do so well, I know it--in her time at our Library, she was an agent of change, she knew when to push back. She was tough--tougher than I ever have been--but she was fair. She was a damned good librarian and manager, and while we occasionally had our personal differences (I am as soft as she is tough) I always, always  respected her, admired her, and valued the many things she did.

We worked together for just under five years. Almost 1800 days in which I took for granted the quiet routine of so many days surrounded by my colleagues and bosses, folks that I knew and trusted, and the various demanding duties and dotty patrons.

And now, tomorrow morning, it will be different.

Last year, when Boss-Lady left, I knew we would go through change. I hate change, let me just get that out there, because it provokes all sorts of uncertainty and anxiety. (At least it does for me. Because I am a crazyball.) But if you ride the change just right, it's a good thing--and so I adapted, and as a result, the last year has been simultaneously one of the most demanding yet fulfilling years for me, professionally. And with Senior Librarian's departure, perhaps I can transform and grow again.

But it won't make coming in tomorrow any less sad.

Balls to the Wall

And then, just like that, things change again.

Yesterday, our Senior Librarian called the "underling" (non-management) full-timers into her office. She was about bursting the news: at the end of September, she's leaving for a new job, with lots of responsibilities and potential. So, soon we'll be down another person.

It's hard not to be pleased for her, when I saw how excited she was by the prospect of new work, new colleagues, new potential. And I am pleased for her. But dismayed, too--immediately I began thinking of all the work our Senior Librarian does, and how the Powers That Be probably won't replace her, but will rather simply re-distribute all of her work and responsibilities. I began thinking of the events and Saturdays and closing duties that will  need to be distributed among only three librarians. And I began thinking about, how, once more, I am the one still here. Staying put.

Silly, I know. My Senior Librarian leaves, and I have some sort of existential angsty fit of questioning myself and my life choices. It's not about me. But then, I think it's good for me to take time to assess my own career and work from time to time, and what better time to do it than when others in my workplace move upwards and onwards? I did it when the Boss Lady retired last year, and after a little adjusting and a lot of Prozac, I managed. I kicked my own ass into gear. So maybe I'll do the same thing this time around, too.

The last 24 hours, I've spent thinking, thinking, thinking. And the only conclusion I can come to is this: for now, and for the foreseeable future, I am here at this job, in this position-- the same job and position I have held for 6 years. I've no prospects for upwards advancement, I don't have much of a voice in the planning and administration of the Library, and I've hit my maximum pay. But I haven't hit the maximum of the work I can do, the talents I can cultivate, the ways I can support my bosses, and the help I can give to the public.

There are going to be some stressful, probably frustrating months ahead. But I have it within myself to tap into more productivity, more cheer, more patience; I have it within me to be the worker my bosses and community need as we start through this transitory time. I have it within me to refuse to think of myself and my non-traditional career track as not a disappointment, but rather a dedication of the strengths I know I have in abundance.

It's a challenge, sure, but somehow, I think careers are built up from challenges. Opportunities, too. So that's how I am gonna look at it. There's just no other way.

Keeping Up With the Marians

Professional Lesson of the Day: In Librarianship, we don't try to keep up with the Joneses. We try to keep up with the Marians--as in, Marian the Librarian.

During the summer of 2004, right before I moved away to the Midwest and grad school and real life, I was working for an accountant. Part of my job consisted of digitally scanning and archiving files, and that required a certain amount of waiting as the computer and copier and network did their things. While I waited, I would sit at my desk, which faced a blank white wall, and I would imagine my future life in Indiana, in grad school. And beyond that...well, my imagination hit a brick wall. Or, more accurately, my imagination hit a blank white wall. My future beyond the pleasures and adventures of grad school seemed not uncertain, as such. But more like empty and insignificant and unremarkable. Just a blank white wall.

Eight years later, and I'm well into that blank wall. I wish I could say that I am scaling that wall, but I'm not. I feel like I have become the wall.

Oddly, this isn't usually a bad thing. My life is more full and rewarding than I had ever imagined it could be. I help people, I try to make people laugh, on a good day, I share books and optimism and hard work all around.

But recently, I've begun to look beyond my wall and the immediate vicinity. One of my colleagues is pursuing his second Master's in Computer Science. Another of my colleagues relentlessly pursues professional development opportunities, and I just found out today that she's publishing a book of professional development.And then of course, there's Ezz and the Sooz and Abby, back East, who just go from strength to strength. And I wonder, should I be doing that? Publishing, sitting on committees, writing reviews, becoming a supervisor, getting another degree?

I brought this up to one of my colleagues today at lunch, over an incredibly healthy meal of bacon cheeseburgers. She and I discussed all sorts of possibilities: learning conversational Spanish, getting a A.S. degree in Computer Networking, getting a certification in Proofreading/Editing, or even sitting for the LSAT, just to see if I could do it. Each sentence we came up with was something along the lines of "I should do..."

It's all in that word, "should." It provides an infinite number of implied expectations, guilts, and burdens. Should versus want. Do I genuinely, truly want to do any of these things? Or do I simply feel like I should, because I need to keep up with the Marians?

I can't do anything until I figure that out.