Six Years In...

Happy anniversary to me! Maybe.

For six years now, I've been working in public libraries, as an "L1" or a "Librarian 1." Basically, your run-of-the-mill, entry-level, non-management adult services librarian. Only, lately, as I made the wry observation to one of my colleagues, I'm either "a ridiculously over-performing L1 or else an absurdly under-performing Senior Librarian."  This remark came about after I assessed my current job description (doing everything on there), and then the Senior Librarian job description (doing 25-33% of the stuff on there.)

If you were to ask my supervisor (which I have), she'll tell you that I'm a great worker-bee, very capable, and extraordinarily productive. My former Boss Lady assures me that I long ago earned the respect of my colleagues and supervisors. I'm one of the first to arrive, one of the last to leave, and I take such pride in my job as a public servant. Most days, I see it as an honor. I may, from time to time, cock an eyebrow at the decisions the bureaucracy makes, but by and large, I respect them. I trust my bosses, and while I sometimes question their decisions, I force myself to adapt, because they're morally upright and they possess fine ethics. Usually, they end up being right in the decisions that they make.

 I'm kept busy, I'm challenged, and I'm content.

But.

I've stayed in touch with three of my comrades with whom I attended IU SLIS: Ezz, the Sooz, and Abby. The Sooz was the first to really go on to great things: within six months of getting hired as a reference librarian, she was promoted to a Collection Specialist position. She now writes book reviews for Booklist, sits on the WV Library Association Council, and has given presentations for ALA. Abby is the real revelation. She graduated after us, got a job right away, and then within a couple of years took a job as the supervisor of the Children's Department at a Library close to her hometown. Her story doesn't end there, though. She's become quite a prolific blogger, and was declared one of the ALA's "Emerging Leaders" of 2010. 

That leaves Ezz. She is the one that I have quietly envied--she got a job lined up pretty quickly after graduating, just north of Indianapolis. She married her high school sweetheart not long after. They bought a house in the suburbs, and like me she has managed to hold on to her reference librarian job throughout the tumult of the last few years. And like me, she stayed in her current position. Sure, both of us experienced a lot of change, and took on dozens of new tasks and roles and duties, but our job titles and our statuses (stati?) didn't change.

And last month, she was promoted to Digital Services Coordinator at her library. And OF COURSE I'm thrilled to bits for her; she is a geek of the highest order and will do a fabulous job. But to return to how this affects me (because this is MY blog, and therefore, it's all about me)...

Here I am. About to start Year 6 as a librarian, Year 5 in my current position. As an LI. A worker bee. A ditch digger. A foot-soldier in the trenches. I'll turn up around on Monday morning, and I'll look at my desk, appalled at the mess but resigned to it, because there's simply no time any more to clean it. I'll brew up a pot of coffee, sit down, and plan my day, and then my week, and all the while, I'll think, The best laid plans...And then my boss will come in, and I'll give her a perky good morning and I'll smile at her only-half-joking grumpy "Are you for reals?" look, and then I'll get to work. And by the end of the day, I'll be exhausted, but I'll be proud of the job I did. But at the back of my mind, I'll be thinking about Abby, and the Sooz, and Ezz, and I'll be wondering, "Am I underachieving? Am I just a failure? Is this all I'm good for?"

Our Children's Librarian, Cathy, is from time to time, a font of wisdom. She was the one who told me that "fine" stands for "fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional." Ha. She was also the one who advised me: "Don't judge your insides by other peoples' outsides." I know she's right. And I know that the success of my cohorts is not indicative of failure on my part. It's like comparing apples and armadillos. Realistically, one has nothing to do with the other. 

But still...is this all?