Breaking the Circle

"And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game..."

My sister introduced me to this song last week, while we were going through the initial days after our mother passed away. This song, by Joni Mitchell, is one that reminds my sister of the Momster. I guess she remembers it as one of the songs that the Momster played on the record player during our childhood. But I don't remember it.

I guess it's one of the many memories I don't have of our mother.

Shortly after I came home to Florida, I was lamenting to Eldest about how I couldn't seem to mourn properly. How I didn't have the same memories that she and Middle did, how I didn't remember the same mother.

"Well,"  Eldest said sagely, "Maybe we had different mothers."

And goddamned if that wasn't what made the most sense during this whole pitiful experience. Not that her mother was the mail lady and my mother was the milkmaid, but that the one mother that we both had was two (three, actually) different people. Factor in the addiction issues and the mental health problems, and there's really no more to say. The mother I knew was not the one my sisters knew--our experiences were vastly different. And so are our memories. 

The one same thing that resonates with all three of her daughters--the one common denominator--the one experience that we share in common, was and is something evident not in specific memories, but rather overall and long-lasting impressions. All three of us--Eldest, Middle, and myself--have all made the conscious decision to not have children. We have our reasons, and while I am quite pleased with my decision, I cannot help but to wonder--was it because, in part, that we can't be good mothers because we never had the example of what a good mother could be? 

"We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came,
And go round and round and round
In the circle game..."

Looks like the circle is broken with us.